365/365

Trying to find normalcy in uncertain times. That was what 2022 was to me. It was a transition year, like many of my peers. Some were moving on to university, others were taking on roles in serving the nation. But beyond it all, I tried to find a purpose in the things I was doing. But it always boiled down to the question, was it all worth it? Putting in the extra effort, time, patience, money, care, and love into the things I do. Most of the time there were no returns. People didn't reciprocate.

And through this, I finally understood the phrase "Only when things go south will people respond." It's an exaggeration to say I'm not being appreciated for the things I do, but on the other hand, I really feel that the world could be a much better place if we complimented each other a little more. Showing gratitude never hurts; it only heals. And in a time when everyone is so self-absorbed with their lives and devices, it's even more important to appreciate those around us. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you never know what someone is going through. Sometimes all they need are some positive words, and you could be the person to give them that.

As I reflected upon these things, I couldn't help but ask myself why bother at all, only to be reminded of the main goal of doing what I do. They were my passion, at one point in time or another. Hobbies which I previously enjoyed very much, but for the past year, they felt like a chore. The mundanity of things was affecting my creativity. Or was I just finding excuses?

The changing landscape on social media, especially Instagram and YouTube, has made it more difficult for small creators to showcase their work and has forced them to abide by the rules of the game, producing short-form content to survive. It's disappointing to see how photographers yield to the algorithm, but it's enlightening to see some finding other ways to expand and cultivate their brand names.

Be it moving to Twitter, then Mastodon, hopping onto the NFT bandwagon, simply selling prints, or doing photography in a whole other medium (shooting in film). Seeing the change hit so close to home, having friends do the above-mentioned, a part of me knows that I can find a niche on my own too.

But like all other things, I procrastinate, and simply don't want to venture into something I cannot commit to for a long time. That's not to say I have not been in touch with photography. Rather, I am rethinking the way I upload and what I upload. And as such, I have also become one of those who consume more content than I put out. It's not necessarily a bad thing, in this day and age where the very things you upload can expose your private life, and privacy is a highly valued possession.

But being constantly glued to devices and absorbing content from algorithms that tailor information based on our interests, it's hard not to be trapped in one's filter bubble of thoughts, which prevents exposure to diverse perspectives and ideas on the Internet.

As I was on a hiatus from posting, I turned to spend more time with friends, in hopes that they would spark something in me, to help me be motivated and lift my moods. But it turns out, having a freer schedule does not make meet-ups easier. Many friends were in school, some had a 9-5 job, and others worked part-time during the weekends.

Hence, sometimes I wish I were still studying. School and CCA were the places where I met my friends and spent time interacting with them. Now that we've graduated, the onus is on us to stay connected, and this past year has taught me it's difficult to do so.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the pesky friend who's always trying to make plans, but most of them fail. To be honest, it has dampened my spirit a little, but to say I'm disheartened would be saying I have no faith that these friendships, my friendships, would last. I hope that they will, and I pray that they will (despite how wary I am towards "low-maintenance friends") because there are some things that are just out of my control.

Does anything precious ever last? No. Nothing special ever stays. Only change is constant. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. Things come and go. Situations come and go. People come and go. At the centre of it all, is yourself.

Sometimes when you reach a point in life, you begin to look inwards, rather than outwards. “You must learn to love yourself before you can love others”. In my scenario, I have to work on myself first, because understanding myself is as crucial as the need to socialize and put myself out there. Only when I am grateful for what I have, comfortable in my skin, and understand myself, then can I truly appreciate the people who come into my life and value them for who they are.

It takes two hands to clap, but when you can’t find someone else, you just have to do it yourself. Maybe taking a step back from socializing, albeit not self-induced, is a good thing. We'll just have to see in 2023.

Peace.